I love my youth group i really do, and i like going to church, preferably the 11:05 service because its more laid back and has modern christian music instead of ancient hymns. One thing about my church that i don't like is that some times it get to be too social in my opinion. I feel like a lot of people just come to look nice for the boys and see their friends. But its just a judgement i have made i have know way of actually knowing. I have had spiritual highs on a lot of the church trips and think about God all the time. It confuses me when people say that God has spoken to them and that you just have to be really quiet, because then i think maybe he is talking to me and im just not listening. But then i hear a voice in my head but its just me i can tell it to say whatever i want. Although it usually tells me to do the right thing otherwise i end up feeling really guilty. My previous goal was to read the bible completely from cover to cover, you know, like in order. This is going ok i guess except that some of the chapters like the one about the priests ceremonies are really boring, and i dont get to it as much as i like because of me just being busy. Anyway i'm still in the Old Testament and everything is about God and i believe in God, i guess my secret is better rephrased as i struggle with believing in Jesus. Maybe its because i haven't made it to the New Testament yet or far enough in the Old testament but since my mind is focused on God i don't think "i'm praying to Jesus" i think "i'm praying to God". So it worries me and i think, does that make me jewish? I am just struggling with the concept of the trio , father son and holy spirit. Now i have been going to place in such as proverbs and psalms and their are really strengthening versus in there. Currently one of my favorite versus is in Acts, i read it every day before field hockey preseason, for strength. Running is a big part of field hockey and it might sound pathetic but i'm really not a great runner and its something i really struggle with and have my entire life since i play a lot of running sports. Which doesn't really make sense why i do those kinds of sports but it just turned out that way. The verse in Acts that i love is Acts 20:21-23 "And now compelled by the spirit I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the holy spirt warns me of hardships and prison, yet i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task Lord Jesus has giving me--the task of testifying the gospel of Gods grace."I love that verse really its inspiring. Another reason I struggle with religion is that i just get caught up in the world, I love fashion, decorating, and designing so i try to make sure that i balance it all and it's hard, usually i'd much rather read a Martha Stewart mag. apposed to the bible and that is a guilty feeling as well.My goals now are to be able to spread the word, i really want to talk to my friends about it but its an aqwuard conversation and maybe i'm not the same person to God as I am to them.
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